Gay marriage is here, but so is the apocalypse

by Mark Morford

The good news: Gas is racing merrily past 4 bucks a gallon, and oil is skipping over a previously unheard-of $130 a barrel and Big Oil execs are snorting like pigs in diamond-crusted mud, and hence people are quickly rethinking their transportive ways, driving less and dumping the land yacht in favor of more Priuses and Mini Coopers and Smart cars, as ultraefficient auto technology suddenly becomes very attractive.

Positive side effects: Bike sales are way up, as are roller skates and electric skateboards and walking shoes and SPF face lotion and hats and sidewalks and strolling amiably through the neighborhood instead of driving, waving casually to the neighbors and saying hi and suddenly noticing all manner of amazing detail, all the flower beds and stoops and architectural curiosities of the city you never really noticed before because you were too busy racing the stoplight to get to Ikea. Just imagine all the happy socioeconomic shifting when gas hits 6, 7, 8 bucks a gallon. Mmm, uncomfortable market-forced behavioral adjustments. It's the American way.

The bad news: Market-forced behavioral adjustments are a bitch. Driving less, walking more, caring about small cars? It's almost unnatural. What's more, it's a shift brought not by any deep concern for the environment but by the fact that it costs $125 to fill the damn Explorer and suddenly you're asking, wait a second: tank of gas or new couch? Tank of gas or case of wine and the mortgage payment? Damn it, we're Americans. We hate thoughtful restraint.

The good news: Gay marriage now legal in California by astonishing (Republican) Supreme Court decree, thus confounding and infuriating and yet secretly titillating the religious right and sending shock waves through the culture as notions of love and marriage get slapped and pinched and urged to finally move a few steps forward because, well, it's about damn time. Bonus: Economy smiles, wedding and divorce industries cheer, lots of delightful social awkwardness as everyone tries to figure out who's the husband and who's the wife.

The bad news: Locusts, plague, apocalypse, people suddenly demanding they be allowed to marry their dog, a lamp, a large wheel of Muenster cheese.

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