George's Amazing Alphabet Book

[Editor's note: It's unprecedented for any official -- high or low -- to leak information to Tomdispatch, but some weeks ago a Senior Official in one of our intelligence agencies -- and since we have so many, that's a little like saying none-of-your-business -- slipped me the text of a book allegedly written by our President and due to be published early this Fall. (Unfortunately, the illustrations by Paul Wolfowitz, mentioned on the title page, did not accompany the manuscript, and a page and a half of the text was missing.)

If my informant's account is accurate, George's Amazing Alphabet Book of the Contemporary World, or Al-Qaedas All Around was produced before the November election when the White House grew tired of kiss-and-tell memoirs from former administration officials and decided to strike back. The text was then held up by hostile CIA vetters; and further delayed when, in a post-election euphoria, the President decided to "update" the book before handing it over to new CIA Director Porter Goss for a final vetting (which reportedly took less than ten minutes).

I've delayed releasing the text at Tomdispatch because I was suspicious of its provenance and authenticity, and because I've so often criticized the use of anonymous sources in mainstream journalism. Yet everything about the text rang true to me and, in the end, it seemed unreasonable to hold back a story of this magnitude.

To be safe, I had the Alphabet Book informally vetted by several well-known children's book writers (all of whom asked that their names not be used) as well as two former Yale classmates of the President. They concluded, beyond almost a shadow of a doubt, that it was the genuine article. Two of the writers suggested that, given its chatty tone, the President might actually have spoken the text into a tape recorder.

My Senior Intelligence Source does not believe that Paul Wolfowitz, well known as an amateur artist, actually drew the illustrations (which he hasn't seen). His sources, including an Iraqi informant known inside the Intelligence Community as Screwball, suggested that they might have been outlined on cocktail napkins by Donald Rumsfeld during an especially tedious meeting about torture in early 2004 in the office of then-White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales, and subsequently colored in by Vice President Dick Cheney from a secret bunker somewhere in the greater Washington area. Rupert Murdoch's HarperCollins is reportedly set to publish the book in September with a million copy first printing aimed, according to a publicist for the firm (who also insisted on anonymity), at the burgeoning evangelical children's market.

I was convinced of the book's authenticity, in part, by the ever-expanding White House website aimed at children. It even includes a sub-site focused on the President's dog (Barney), cat (India), pet Longhorn (Ofelia), and the Vice President's two dogs (Jackson and Dave), which contains "answers" -- also, according to my source, written by the President -- to children's questions. (Q: Dani from Dallas, Texas writes: Barney -- My scottie, Cooper has a question for you. How does sandpaper feel? A: Barney, First Dog: Ruff!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HOOO HAAA.") Clearly, Karl Rove has launched a new campaign to reach around the "filter" of the media and directly mobilize a new generation of Americans for the Republican Party. The President's ABC book will evidently be the centerpiece of that campaign.

Of course, I have no way of confirming any of this, my resources being slim, and so must leave what follows to your judgment. But whatever the reason it was slipped my way, I'm pleased to be the first to release the President's manuscript to the world, word for word as it arrived at my doorstep. Make of it what you will. Tom Engelhardt]

George's Amazing Alphabet Book of the Contemporary World, or Al-Qaedas All Around (completely cross-referenced)

By George W Bush
Illustrated by Paul Wolfowitz
A Laura Bush Production for a Literate Society

A as in Al-Qaeda. Al-Qaedas all around. I know. I know. It's usually alligator or aardvark or ant or armadillo, but kids, really, it's a New World and it's never too early to be armed and ready for it. (By the way, boys and girls, prepare yourself for the first White House single-shooter video game, Armageddon Battles Al-Qaeda! In your neighborhood stores soon!) Amazing Fact: Did you know that, according to my friend Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, at least ten terrorists could fit in your room and you wouldn't even know it?

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