Okay team, don't forget to dispose of this memo when you're done reading it. Anyway, clearly we need a late-October surprise. Here are the possibilities I've come up with. Some may sound outlandish, but I'm willing to do anything and spend any amount to win this bullshit election. 1) Get Hillary Clinton to endorse me. I'm pretty sure I could get her to do it, but it would involve a trade-off which makes me gag every time I think about it. Anyway, let's just say this option is a last last resort.
2) Announce that I would launch a surge on the economy. It would be like the surge in Iraq that I so brilliantly invented except it would be on CEOs and investment bankers. Just imagine 100,000 of America's finest warriors storming the stock exchange and "neutralizing" those rich cocksuckers! (note: this is my favorite idea)
3) Reveal that Obama isn't black. I haven't worked out the details on this one.
4) Announce that despite being married, I've never actually slept with Cindy. I know you're probably wondering why that matters to voters. Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that a third of voters don't like me because they're horrified at the prospect of me doing the ol' inverted barrel role with that plastic ring-tailed lemur of a woman. Hell, the thought horrifies me too. If I announce I've never been in that snake pit, a lot of people would be more comfortable with me as a leader. What do you guys think? (We did try it once and let's just say it ended with a skin graft and me soaking my Johnson in Luvox.)
5) Hire someone to shoot me. You know, just a flesh wound - maybe the meaty part of the thigh. I think it would really up my star power, kind of like a rapper. Voters would think, "McCain took a shot and he's still ticking. He's hard boiled, man!" Right?
6) What if I were to strangle Palin to death? It might not help with the voters, but it would definitely help me let off some steam.
7) I personally fly a mission into Iran, take out a couple of their elite guard, and bring back their thumbs to prove I did it.
8) Hold a huge press conference where I present to America - Chandra Levy AND Natalee Hollaway alive and well!! They wave and say they're completely supporting the McCain-Palin ticket. (I haven't worked out the details of this one. Does anyone have a lead on those ladies?)
9) I come out against the Jews. I say I've never trusted those slimy loan sharks! I know, this is a risky move. But I think there's a simmering hatred I can tap into. When was the last time someone tried an anti-Jew platform? Not for at least fifty years. (Hey Joe, if you get this memo, I'm sorry. You know politics. Alls fair!)
http://www.236.com/blog/w/lee_camp/mccains_october_surprise_memo_9867.php
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