Thursday, August 13, 2009

Marijuana, gateway drug to Jesus

Does pot lead to total enlightenment? Rehab? Scientology? Let's find out!

Behold! I believe I have found it, a flawless specimen, a place where it all collides and coheres and comes together in a madcap, slapdash, whirlwind hellstorm of entirely bogus hype and spin and half-truths, intermixed with hope and despair and Jesus and not just a little methadone, all of it so wonderful and confusing it makes you want to shut it all down, run a hot bath, light up a joint and chill the hell out.

It's all here. I even took a screenshot of it, just to show you. Two, actually. I'll link to them in a moment, because I really, really want you to see The Whole Truth, in all Its Profound Glory. Ready?

The first comes in the form a big study from the University of Pittsburgh, 12 years in the making, that valiantly attempts to answer, with some reasonable authority, the question that's already been answered pretty definitively by 500 million pot smokers throughout world history and also by every ounce of common sense in every commonsensical human alive today, but who cares about that now?

Here's the big question:

Is marijuana a gateway drug to harder, more dangerous 'n' deadly substances later in life? Did a bunch of kids who smoked pot in their teens go on to become addicts and criminals and Libertarians? Did they ruin their lives via meth and coke and sundry other delicious demons in anything resembling dangerous or enlightening percentages, enough that we could finally declare, once and for all, that pot really does lead to destruction and not, as so widely presumed, merely to kinkier sex and fits of uncontrollable laughter and the consumption of rather nauseating food combinations you would never entertain otherwise?

You already know the answer. Marijuana, it turns out for the billionth time, is not a gateway drug at all. Not even a little. Which is not to say excessive pot use throughout one's life is not a gateway to becoming, say, a bit of a slothful 'n' lumpish fan of unwashed dreadlocks and reggae festivals and bad pizza. But that's a different study.

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