History is one part truth. History is also one part fable. It is a site of political contestation and struggle. As the state of Arizona (with its rules banning "Ethnic Studies") and the state of Texas (reimaging its U.S. history curriculum to conform with the Tea Party and Christian Nationalist perspective) have both embraced a more "conservative" view of history, it only seems fair and reasonable to take their efforts at face value. Theirs is not an assault on academic freedom. No, it is an effort to diversify and make more inclusive and "American" the curriculum taught to our children.
Many, on both sides of the political divide, have treated these new guidelines with much derision and complaint. I suggest that the best way to understand the teaching of history as imagined by this brave new world is to work through the reality it offers. To that end, I present U.S. history as outlined in the politically correct guidelines offered by Arizona and Texas. Sometimes the old is indeed the new welcome my friends to Tea Party U.S.A.
1607 Jamestown founded. Capitalism, which can trace its roots to the Bible, is now firmly rooted in the New World.
1660-1800Triangular Atlantic trade continues to bring wealth and prosperity to America while giving opportunities to new immigrants.
1776War for Independence against the tyrannical, evil British empire. Colonists suffer oppression that is unprecedented in human history. Minutemen singlehandedly defeat the evil British Empire in 1783.
1788The United States Constitution is signed as a document to stand for all time, inspired by God, and never to be changed.
1803-1848America continues to expand westward into empty territories. American settlers make the land bloom with the help of friendly Indian tribes.
1823America guarantees the freedom of all countries and people in the Western Hemisphere with the adoption of the Monroe Doctrine.
1848Mexico, in an act of friendship following their humiliation at the Alamo by the great Republic of Texas, gives their territories to the United States.
1860s-1900sThe Gilded Age of prosperity. American capitalism provides opportunities for all people to grow wealthy, secure, and happy. Liberals and Progressives begin working against American freedom and capitalism by forming unions, demanding unfair compensation from their employers, limiting the rights of children to work in factories, and imposing restrictive regulations for the "safety" of employees. Many brave men die fighting Communist influenced unions as they riot in America's cities.
1861-1865Civil War fought because of an overreaching, tyrannical federal government and its desire to limit the freedoms of all Americans. 620,000 people die including many brave and noble black Americans who fought on the side of the Confederacy. Northerners and Southerners eventually find common ground through Redemption and move forward as brothers and sisters in the USA.
1865-1870sDemocratic terrorists called the Ku Klux Klan begin a reign of terror in the South until brave Republicans defeat them.
1906Using the Antiquities Act, Theodore Roosevelt establishes the National Park System. In one bold stroke Roosevelt establishes Socialist policies that steal land from the American people.
1913More Socialism and class warfare ushered into the U.S. with the federal income tax system.
1917America enters and wins World War 1 singlehandedly because the French are cowards.
1929Great Depression begins. Tens of millions unemployed because of FDR's failed economic policies. His New Deal introduces the nanny state, prolongs America's economic collapse, and weakens the economy until Ronald Reagan renews America.
1941Patriotic Japanese Americans volunteer to place themselves in gated communities so that America will be safe from Imperial Japan.
1941-1945America enters and wins World War 2 singlehandedly because the French are cowards. Out of necessity, the United States drops atomic bombs on Japan.
1945-1965A high point in U.S. history, as freedom and prosperity reign over all Americans.
1950Senator Joseph McCarthy fearlessly highlights how America is infiltrated by communists from Russia and China. Big Hollywood and the liberal establishment are brought to their knees by his brave efforts.
1954Brown v. Board of Education removes the parental right to send children to the schools of their choice and with the company they desire. A dangerous and unconstitutional era of activist Supreme Court decisions begins.
1955-1968George Wallace and Martin Luther King Jr. lead a Civil Rights Movement to ensure that all Americans are judged by "the content of their character and not the color of their skin."
1964-Barry Goldwater ignites a revolution in Conservative thought and values that resonates to the 21st century.
1968The cinematic classic The Green Berets starring John Wayne, America's greatest actor, debuts.
1971America largely withdraws from Vietnam on the cusp of victory because it was weakened by The Gays, The Women's Movement, and "The Counter-culture." The French are cowards whose failure forced the U.S. to intervene in Indochina.
1973Roe vs. Wade, the worst legal decision in the history of the Supreme Court is decided.
1974-Phyllis Schlafly, pioneer for the rights of women, takes a stand against evil Leftist feminists who want to ban motherhood, force mothers to work at jobs outside the home, join the military, become lesbians, and receive advanced educations which they do not need.
1974Nixon forced to resign by liberal conspiracy.