“Joe” the “Plumber” Has “Written” a “Book”

 

by Oliver Miller

Some people have the dignity and good grace to bow out of the spotlight once their fifteen minutes of fame are up.  Like, say, Bob Dole.  Remember Bob Dole?  He ran for President once, on the "DOLE '96:  KIDS GET THE HELL OFF OF MY LAWN" ticket.  So, he did that, he lost, and then he was a spokesman for Viagra for a month or something.  And then he vanished.  Poof!  Whisk!  Gone!  Where the hell is Bob Dole today?  Is he alive?  Is he dead?  Is he selling smack in Hanoi?  I don't know and I don't care and neither do you.

…And then there's guys like Joe the Plumber.  You remember Joe the Plumber, right?  He's that guy who asked Obama that question about taxes or something.  He's still around and so is Sarah Palin and so is Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly and Mark Sanford and everyone else.  And the sad fact is, these people will never ever leave us.  We turned on our TVs, let them into our houses, and now it's weeks and months later, and they're still fucking here, drinking all the beers from the refrigerator and using all our hand-towels, and droning on and on about "Barack Obama Socialism Socialism something something."

Thus, it is my sad duty to inform you that Joe the Plumber — America's favorite Republican plumber named Joe who isn't named Joe, isn't a plumber, and isn't a Republican — yes, that Joe the Plumber, has written…  a book.  And by "written" I of course mean "hired someone named Thomas N. Tabback to write it for him," because this is America, man, and we don't have time to be doing sissified East-Coast-Liberal-Ivory-Tower things like writin' no books.  I mean, Joe the Plumber isn't going to sit down and write a whole book thing, you know?   Especially since he can't even manage to utter a single coherent sentence when he's talking, so let's not even think about what his writing would be like.

So now the Joe the Plumber book is upon us.  Here's a shot of the cover—

Oh, excellent.  So many things to like about the cover of "Joe the Plumber — Fighting for the American Dream."  First of all, the American flag says, "Yes I live in America and not in SOVIET RUSSIA or FRANCE."  And the awkward half-smile says, "Heck, I'm jus' plain folks like you and yours."  And the rest of the cover says, "Hey, we really didn't spend too much money on making this cover."  And then you get down to the author names, and you're all like, "Samuel J. Whoseaburger?"  But then you remember…  oh, yeah, Joe the Plumber's real name is Sam.

And here's the description of the book from the publisher—

Joe exemplifies how one person speaking up can really make a difference. He is truly a great American. Sean Hannity, Fox News Hannity s America , Syndicated Talk Radio Joe's story is the iconic American tale. He's a patriot who became instantly famous for simply asking a question that millions of us wanted asked. As my friend Sean Hannity would say, Joe is a great American! Mike Gallagher, Syndicated Talk Radio "Joe The Plumber — Fighting for the American Dream" is the Inspiration Guide for the New Conservatism. Get ready to get Angry, Laugh out loud, Cry, Shout, and Get Involved in the Future of the United Sates of America!

Man, Nothing gets me More Excited for reading a New book than randomly Capitalized words!  With Exclamation Points!  And s pace s between letter s!  And run-on sentences that Don't make Any sense!

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