Who Is This So-Called ‘John McCain?’

By the Comics Curmudgeon

Like everyone in the liberal media, your Wonkette has been following every minute detail of the ascension of our next president, Barry Jesus Obama. But did you know that there needs to be an "election" before Obama can become president, and that there is another person also seeking this high office? His name is "John McCain," and it seems that he was in a war [Korea? Philippine Insurrection? Research! --Eds] and maybe also in Congress. In our attempt to bring you complete coverage of Obama's election, we are presenting all the information currently available on this elusive McCain individual. There are no known photographs of McCain, possibly because his primitive cultural beliefs forbid them, but we at least have these crude depictions from America's political cartoonists.

John McCain is a tiny, dwarfish man, though whether a result of the primitive understanding of nutrition in the distant time of his rearing or of some genetic abnormality we cannot say. The disproportional hugeness of a his bald, jowly skull points towards the latter explanation, however. What is known is that his staff enjoys building whimsical little replicas of the sorts of things that normal humans use, such as the "McCain-sized" lectern, complete with microphone, that you can see here.

McCain is so short, in fact, that he can easily be picked up and toted about without mechanical assistance of any sort. His staffers use this feature as a selling point, noting that his "pleasing portability" will make it cheaper to transport him overseas for diplomatic trips. However, as you can see here, those who do hoist the diminutive candidate soon find themselves becoming quite angry, presumably because he's irritating in some way when encountered at close quarters.

Like lovable Yoda from the Star Wars films, John McCain is not only tiny but unfathomably old. Unlike Yoda, though, McCain is not a CGI construct, but is rather made of wrinkly, liver-spotted flesh. Like many old people, McCain frequently puts on clothes that are far too large and/or situationally inappropriate and wanders around aimlessly, demanding attention.

What are McCain's mating habits like? While the sex life of this shy, retiring creature has never been captured on film, here we see an artist's depiction of what most biologists believe to be McCain's primary mating behavior: hot, hot phone sex with Mitt Romney. If actual Mitt Romney is not available, McCain must sometimes resort to the Romney impersonators at 1-900-SEX-MITT.

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