by Mickey Walker
Bush is going home to Texas, a friendlier place he dearly loves and can call his own. See, ever since Texans kicked out Jack Brooks, Carl Parker, Ralph Yarborough, Ann Richards, and many more native Texans, Texas has gone to the dogs. Since the days of Governors Alan Shivers, Bill Clements, George W. Bush, Rick Perry, and other indecent political morphs, Texas done got God and fetus power, by cracky. And shoot, religion's been tee-totally good for big oil and awl bidness in Texas, too. None of these God-fearin', whiskey-bottle-hidin', Texicans never got the red ass atall when Bush went AWOL as the VN War raged. Might near all my cousins and neighbors think it's plumb rude to trash a fellow Texan, no matter how much fruit and nuts he's got on his cake. Look. Truth don't matter here, just ask Kay Bailey, Tom DeLay, or John Corn Dog. Us Texans know how to keep a family secret, like Bush getting picked up in Kinnebunkport, Maine for DUI. You just wipe the slate clean, just like nobody could test Cheney to see if he was drunk when he shot that there lawyer in the face in South Texas. What's done and said in Texas stays in Texas, and sometimes in Maine when you got Texans like the Bush's payin' taxes up there, get it?
Secrecy was invented right here in the Lone Star State. I mean is there anything worse than word gettin' out that your sister done been to see a psychiatrist? Coo Coos in the family tree and all? Us Texans can't have stuff like that leakin' out. "Bush's bad he done as president is old news." Texans are quick to tell you. Besides, Texans say, "Look at all the stuff W done us right on. What do you mean, danglin' preposition? Ifen Sarah Palin kin do it, it must be all right, and she ain't even from Texas." Texas don't know nothin' about hockey, neither, but she's a hockey mom, she says, and that ain't no hockey. She'd make a good Texan, with her politics know-how and down home way of speakin', ya know? Buford, down at the Tomball feed store, said Bush hepped us good old boys and done us right by reducing taxes, capital gains, and returning 2 Trillion in tax cuts that was our own money in the first place. "It ain't no paradox I tell you." Buford allowed. "It's just about how we Texans are about standin' up for what's right and what's not. It's our money and the Salvation Army and Head Start can go piss up a rope. And another thang: we don't care whether GW went to no drills in Alabama when he was in the Texas Air Guard. Heck that's too many cow plops down the trail to get worked up about, anyhow. He hepped us keep our hard-earned money instead of lettin' Ted Kennedy give it all away to all them no-counts on welfare."
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