The Most Ridiculous Speech of All

by William Rivers Pitt

President Bush walks away from the podium after addressing the nation for the last time. (Photo: Reuters)

    I don't think there's a punch-line scheduled, is there?
- Monty Python

    Two separate miracles were visited upon the Earth on Thursday.

    In the afternoon, an Airbus filled with more than 150 people took off from La Guardia Airport in New York. Ten minutes later, it was floating down the Hudson River with its passengers standing on the wings and huddled against the arctic cold. It seems a flock of geese hit two of the engines like ballistic feather pillows, and suddenly pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger found himself at the stick of a multi-ton paperweight.

    Somehow, Sullenberger managed to bring the plane down on the water like a stone skipped by God Herself, and finally landed it on the surface without damaging the fuselage. Harbor boats came boiling out of docks to aid in the rescue and every single living soul on that plane survived.

    The second miracle happened later that evening, when George W. Bush went on television to deliver the last major address of his time in the White House. Like it says in Psalms, this is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.

    Of course, of course, of course, it was a ridiculous speech. Preposterous. The worst one of all, and boy howdy, that is saying something. This, after all, was the man who gave us "Bring it on" and "Mission Accomplished," and who once was unable to think of any mistakes he might have made. Each of these was a legitimate phenomenon in every respect, to be sure, but the spectacle on Thursday night bent the definition of "absurd" into bold new shapes.

    Let's take it from the top.

    Fellow citizens: For eight years, it has been my honor to serve as your president. The first decade of this new century has been a period of consequence - a time set apart. Tonight, with a thankful heart, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the journey we have traveled together and the future of our nation.

    Translation: I like turtles.

    This evening, my thoughts return to the first night I addressed you from this house - September 11, 2001.

    For the record, he went through exactly 240 words before bringing up 9/11.

    Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security [DHS] has been created. The military, the intelligence community and the FBI have been transformed. Our nation is equipped with new tools to monitor the terrorists' movements, freeze their finances and break up their plots. And with strong allies at our side, we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those who support them.

    Where to begin?

    The DHS is a hopelessly scrambled and hyper-politicized debacle. The military has been transformed into a shadow of its former self. The intelligence community is battered and discombobulated. The FBI works for a Justice Department that belongs in the script for a screwball comedy. The new tools include torture and indefinite detention, which don't work and are against the law. The only real ally we have left is Saudi Arabia, birthing bed of al-Qaeda-style Wahabbist terrorism. File this whole paragraph under "FAIL."

http://www.truthout.org/011609J